


overthinking, in physical chemistry

by zolidarnosc



Category: IZONE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drabble, F/F, What is this really, i think???, idk really, tried to write something different, wrote this instead of finishing the other stories i started
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23988379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zolidarnosc/pseuds/zolidarnosc
Summary: Chaewon doesn't know what's more dangerous: the prospect of her failing her chemistry classes, or the unfading thoughts of Minjoo pervading her mind during her chemistry classes.
Relationships: Kim Chaewon (IZONE)/Kim Minju
Comments: 1
Kudos: 59





	1. overthinking, in physical chemistry

**Author's Note:**

> Though this is written in first person POV, it's more of Chaewon's thoughts than anything being described in first person. Also I'm not a big fan of physical chemistry

“Now, when the reaction tends in the forward direction, the equilibrium constant is...”

6 P.M.

No one wants to listen to class after 5. Can’t Mr. Wang see that? Why does he still insist on taking a class? 

Right—he has to complete the syllabus before the end of the week, that’s why. And it’s physical chemistry, fucking _physical_ of all classes…

God, I can’t wait for when we move on to inorganic. Yena told me inorganic is easy and how I _pray_ that it is. I cannot take anymore shit from Mr. Wang about my declining chemistry scores.

It’s so embarrassing. I can tell that my friends want to ask me about it and talk to me about it but I feel so ashamed. It’s all so stupid. 

“Did you get that? Feel free to ask any doubts.”

“Yes, sir.” 

It’s strange, everyone answers in harmony. Their voices blend together perfectly. 

I should buy more of these pens, I’m at my last one already. 

I wasn’t listening again.

Great.

I should really stop spinning my pen so much. Minjoo always picks it up for me. She even got into trouble because of me and she didn’t get angry in the least… It’s amazing that I had no idea who she was a year ago. God, so much has changed in a year. 

Minjoo is so kind, oh my god. She’s so perfect. She looks like a goddess every single day,

“So, for an equilibrium reaction, the concentration of the products raised to their coefficients divided by the concentration of the reactants raised to their coefficients is the value of the equilibrium constant. Now, can anybody tell me the answer to the sixth question?”

“Anybody?”

I should pretend like I’m writing something down, at least. 

Minjoo seems to be good at chemistry. She doesn’t speak out even if she gets the answer. 

Jiwon raises his hand. Why does he always have that smug look on his face?

He probably thinks he’s better than the rest of us. No, he definitely does. Mr. Wang tells him he did well, like always. My palms are getting sweaty, for fuck’s sake. 

Minjoo and Yujin are chuckling over something again. I think I should be honest with myself. Seeing them together is putting me in a horrible mood every single day. Every day.

It’s pathetic. How much a single interaction affects me so fucking much. No matter what, no matter what I tell myself my heart writhes. I know, they’re just friends. Why don’t Minjoo and I have the repertoire she has with Yujin, then?

I don’t know anymore. It’s just my personality, I think. 

It’s just me.

Damn. The longing, it waltzes its way back into my chest. I hate it. Maybe I should take Eunbi’s advice and come clean to Minjoo. How would I even do that, though?

_“Hey, Minjoo. I’ve liked you for a while, now. It’s okay, even if you don’t feel the same.”_

Yeah, it’s fine when I imagine saying that to her.

But _how_ would she react?

I think she’ll shut me out. Like, stop talking to me altogether. 

Would I be able to take that? 

I don’t think so. I don't think I'll ever meet someone like Minjoo again. 

_“I think we're a match made in heaven, Chae.”_ I can't believe she said something like that to me. It wasn't feeling all too right that day either. _Because of them, of course._ I'm so immature. 

_A match made in heaven._ Why does warmth build up in my chest the more I think of that moment? 

Sometimes, I really think she likes me. But it's just the delusion talking. Minjoo would never see me as anything more than a friend. 

“Okay, moving onto the next type of problems,”

His handwriting is barely legible. Is that mess of letters supposed to be _model 5?_ The difference between Minjoo's handwriting and Mr. Wang's is striking. 

Again, Yujin moves in _so_ close to get a clear look at Minjoo's notes. Why does she do that? She says she has no interest in dating, because she's always turning down that junior from 10-A but she acts like this with Minjoo.

I just don't understand.

No, I'm being ridiculous. 

They're just friends. Yujin is my friend too. I can't think that about her. It's not right. 

“Another important topic in this chapter is Le Chatelier's principle. What it basically says is an equilibrium will _always_ try to oppose the change introduced to it, meaning it will move in a direction such that any change introduced to it is mitigated. For example, increasing the concentration of the reactants would cause the equilibrium to shift towards the reactants—the reactant would get consumed more than before. Similarly, with the products…”

This is kinda interesting, I guess. Why did Yena call it so hard?

“Stop.”

Her voice is low.

(Still pleasant.)

Oh. I must’ve been bouncing my leg again. Her hand felt cold against my knee. Why do my ears feel hot? 

Really, just for two seconds of contact?

I can’t tell if that’s pathetic or not.

How deep have I fallen?

How long will I be like this?

With unspoken words, longing gazes and poorly concealed compliments? How much longer will I go on like this?

Will I be like this until we never have to see each other again?

I don’t want it to hurt anymore, I don’t want to be so jealous…

“Finally, let’s see the relation between Gibbs free energy and the equilibrium constant. Gibbs free energy is equal to…”

My hand hurts from writing so much. 

These questions aren’t that hard, but I should make sure I read before I sleep tonight.

I’ve been stuck on this for five minutes… should I just ask Minjoo? God, why is my pride getting in the way?

Maybe I should just ask Mr. Wang later. 

Yujin asked her the same question…

I guess I’ll just ask Mr. Wang.

**—**

Minjoo sighs once they’re out of class. 

“Finally, what’s wrong with Mr. Wang? He does this all the time, he rushes the syllabus and we end up learning nothing…”

“Hey, you don’t get to say that Ms. Top Ten! Students like me and Chae can’t grasp all that in a single class,” Yujin says with a smile and wraps an arm around Chaewon. 

Minjoo rolls her eyes. “Yeah, like I was the one who scored seventy eight when the entire class was practically failing calc! It’s just chemistry, I like listening to chemistry lessons.”

“We can tell, Ms. Top Ten. Who the fuck scores a cent in _Thermodynamics?_ _”_ Chaewon says and swiftly dodges the jab Minjoo aims at her shoulder. 

Yujin takes the subway home and the other two walk to the bus stop. 

“Are you alright, Chae?”

She gets a confused look in return. “You were so out of it in class.”

“Oh, yeah! Yeah, um, I’m fine.”

Minjoo smiles. “Okay.”

The white street lights seem to dim. “If anything is bothering you, you can always tell me, you know.”

Chaewon avoids her gaze. “Yeah, I know.”

The bus is late.

“God, is it because of the Friday traffic?”

“Chaewon?”

She looks up and nods. “Yeah, probably the traffic. And it doesn’t help that Mr. Wang let us off late today, so…”

Minjoo hums in response.

“It’s 7: 40 already, how much—”

“Hey, Minjoo?”

Maybe it's the clouds that cover the moon. Maybe it's the night that isn't as cold as usual. 

Maybe.

“Yes?”


	2. ambiguity and pseudo first order reactions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minjoo teaches herself to let go without actually letting go.

Chaewon’s fingers are somewhat daint compared to hers. Her hands are smaller (and definitely smaller compared to Yujin’s) even if she denies it everytime they compare sizes. One of the easiest ways to tease Chaewon is to make fun of her (pretty average sized, honestly) hands. A whine out of the girl was guaranteed.

Minjoo thought she would be better at pen spinning considering her longer fingers but that doesn’t seem to be the case when she fumbles with her pen again, flinging it up into the air and onto Chaewon’s book (again).

“Sorry…” The girl smiles at her sheepish tone. Maybe she should stick to practicing her pen spinning at home instead.

“How do you do it so effortlessly?” Yujin exasperates, trying to copy Chaewon’s movements and sighing when her pen falls to the floor. “You just have to do it a lotta times—like, do you remember when I had ink marks all over my hand _right here?_ They were from spinning my pen all the time.” She makes an L with her hands. 

Ugh, now she has to wash all the ink off—and she doesn’t like using ball point pens, so the ink would probably stay for a day or two. Chaewon stifles a laugh when she frowns and flexes on them by demonstrating a new trick using her entire hand. “Took me a whole week to perfect,”

Mr. Wang enters right when Minjoo thinks she got a hang of this “turbo” trick. Yeah, he said he was going to start kinetics today. He always does this. Always taking a class when they’re supposed to have study hours. It’s not so bad in the evening, but come on, the afternoon too? Right after lunch when post meal drowsiness sets in? It’s not fair.

No one has the guts to tell him otherwise, and it’s not like he would cancel class because they were feeling sleepy anyway.

_You have a year left and you want to sleep in class? If you want to jeopardize your future and slack off now, join another institute. Anyone with those kind of thoughts is of no worth to us._

It’s almost like he has a script of all these dramatic dichotomic dialogues. He scribbles _Chemical Kinetics_ on the board. Opens a thick book and places it on the desk beside him. 

20/7/28. Yujin writes down the date when she notices it in her book. Wait, it’s been five months already?

_“I’ve liked you for quite some time… yeah. I like you.”_

_What?_

_Wait, wait. What?_

_Chaewon likes you?_

_You should say something. She won’t even look you in the eyes. What should you say? What are you supposed to say to that? “It’s okay,”_

_Damn. Her voice. It sounds like she’s choking up. What should you say?_

_“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same.”_

_“I just—I just needed to tell you. Sorry.”_

Five months, wow. Did she really need only five months to get over you?

You don’t know how she managed the courage to say that. You don’t know where all that courage comes from, because you don’t know how she insisted you remain friends after that. She just wouldn’t let it become awkward between the three of you. You can’t tell if that was a stupid thing to do or not. 

You never really talked about it after that day. Chaewon never brought it up, and you never had those 5 seconds of blind adrenaline take over you to ask her about it.

Eunbi had asked you about a week later what you thought of her sudden bravado. You didn’t know then. _“I don’t know,”_ That’s all you had said. Should you have put more thought to it, rather than letting a haze of ignorance take over your mind? Had you put more thought to it, would you still feel the same?

“I’ll repeat once again.” Chaewon snickers at the words. “In zero order reactions, the rate of the reaction doesn’t depend on the initial concentration of reactants. Meaning, the rate is equal to the rate constant.” 

You weren’t listening, fuck. So rate is equal to rate constant for zero order reactions. Right. You jot down what’s on the board as quickly as you can. 

His voice is more shrill today than usual. You can't tell why, but the rise and fall of his tone is _off._

Why did you decide to sit in the middle row, anyway? The light from the windows only makes it harder to see. Mr. Wang's writing doesn't help either. 

You feel sweat drop to your brow, an unsettling feeling brews stronger as you listen to Mr. Wang describe the half life of a zero order reaction. You rub your eyes. Run your hand as subtly as you can down your face, hoping it’ll get you to focus. You know you won’t be able to. It’s an annoying habit of yours: believing you won’t understand anything for the rest of the class if you can’t understand what’s taught in the beginning. 

Well, at least you should make an effort.

“So we substitute the concentration after a certain time interval as half the initial concentration, indicating half the reaction is over. The time taken then is the half life and as we can see, the half life for zero order reactions is independent of the concentration of products. Got that? The half life depends only on the initial concentration for?”

“Zero order reactions,”

“Exactly. Write this down.”

You wonder why he looks so accomplished with every sentence he says. He doesn’t just say them, he _performs_ — eyes widened and hands animated around his frame — and the thought of him acting in Hamilton amuses you for a while. 

You spot Yujin doodling at the back of her notebook. Chaewon puts her pen down with finality and folds her arms. Yujin always said she liked sitting between the two of you, but you end up in the middle most of the time. You don’t know why. You’re not complaining though, because you get to sneak glances at Chaewon’s side profile in the middle of classes and she never notices. You’re pretty sure she doesn’t.

_You wouldn’t think about someone who's_ just a friend _to you like this._

“Okay, students. Write down this question. A reaction of zero order proceeds by the following equation…”

_Isn’t it obvious you don’t think of her as_ just _a friend?_

Do you like Chaewon? 

  
  
  


This isn’t something you should be thinking of now. You shake your head. Not now. You copy the rest of the question down from Yujin’s book. Twirl the pen in your fingers, and write down whatever information you have. “Anybody?”

It’s pretty simple. All you need to know is the formula but you don’t remember what it is. 

“Jiwon?”

And you have to admit: it hurts your pride when he gets the answer and you don’t. Your palms rub against each other. You crack your fingers and fiddle with your fingertips. He starts to drone on again. “Write down this heading, first order reactions. In first order reactions…”

Do you like Chaewon?

Does it matter if you did? You don’t have a chance, anyway. _You don’t have a chance anymore. If_ you actually like her, it would be in vain. You don’t think it’s an appropriate time to pursue a relationship. You have to concentrate on your education, after all. You shouldn’t let anything distract you. 

And even _if_ you change your mind and want to date her, you know she doesn’t like you that way now. She doesn’t. You know she has a crush on the transferee in the other section. You know, because Yujin always teases her about it every time they cross paths. You’re certain about it. Chaewon seems flustered around her and gets embarrassed when Yujin insists they would look cute together. You’re certain. You know.

She wouldn’t feel that way about you anymore. What reason do you give her to? Chaewon is rational enough to know it would be pointless to keep liking you. Yeah, Chaewon isn’t the type of person to pursue pointless efforts. She wouldn’t lose sleep over someone who wouldn’t care about her as much as she did for them. 

It doesn’t matter if you like her or not. It doesn’t matter, so you should stop thinking about it.

“Remember, all radioactive disintegration reactions are first order reactions. Instead of the rate constant, we use the disintegration constant. Everything is the same, don't worry. We just use different terminology.”

The class is interrupted by another teacher requesting Mr. Wang's presence. You might as well try to make sense of what you've written down in the past half hour. Yujin and Chaewon start messing around the third time you re-read your notes. Chaewon mocked the weird way Yujin holds her pen or something and that led to them trying to get ink marks on each other and you don't know why you have to be in the middle of their banter. Why was he taking so long to come back to class? 

“He's just gonna rush the syllabus again like every other week, isn't he?”

“Yeah.” Chaewon says offhanded, too focused on aiming for Yujin's arm. You roll your eyes. Yujin thinks it's a good idea to include you in their mess and draws a long, straight line in black ink on the back of your hand. “Ahn Yujin!”

They laugh and mimick your tone of voice. You roll your eyes again, and decide to take their pens away. You start focusing on your book again hoping they'll follow your example. 

  
  
  


Okay, but what if Chaewon still liked you? _What if?_ What would you do? What would you do if you knew that Kim Chaewon still liked you?

If you asked her to wait for you, would she oblige? Would she wait until you graduated just to be with you? Did she like you that much to wait for an opportunity to be with you? _Does_ she like you that much to wait for an opportunity to be with you?

You couldn't tell that Chaewon even liked you in the first place. You're not sure if that's because Chaewon is just too good at hiding her feelings or because you're too dense to notice.

The thought isn't so bad. Kim Chaewon still liking you. _Why?_

If you were dating Chaewon, wouldn't it be nice? You'd get to hold her hand whenever you wanted. You could stare at her unabashedly and you wouldn't have to crush the warmth that rises in your chest at her sight. You would be able to tell her that she's simply breathtaking without the fear of being seen in a wrong light. You could tell her how pretty she was like, ten times a day. When you take the bus home, you could lean on her shoulder and play with her fingers as you listened to her favourite songs. 

Or even better: you could ask her to sing for you. 

You could hug her. 

You could even kiss her, with time.

“Sorry for the interruption, students.”

Heat rushes to your cheeks. What the fuck were you thinking of? You should really stop entertaining each irrational thought that comes to your mind.

_Wait, what if Chaewon starts dating the girl from the other class?_

You never liked Mr. Wang's voice, so it makes your mediocre day worse when he calls out your name and asks you to solve a problem on the board. In that moment you feel immense gratitude for your friends because when he's on his phone they whisper the formula to you and you manage to avoid embarrassing yourself in front of the entire class. He must've noticed that you weren't paying attention and you're smart enough to at least pretend like you're listening for the rest of the class.

  
  
  


It must be because it's Wednesday. There's barely any traffic and they finally get a seat on the bus after all those days of standing. Minjoo pleads to take the window seat. Chaewon is indifferent, so Minjoo spends the ride home gazing outside of the window. 

Yellow lights illuminate the street. She sees a few people busking at one corner and remembers the promise they made to go busking one day for the fun of it. Her breath catches in her throat just as she's about to tell Chaewon when she sees a sole jasmine flower between her fingers. “Where'd you get that?”

“Oh,” she sits up straight and gives Minjoo a feeble smile. She looks tired. Yeah, it was a long day after all. “I picked it from the old lady's tree beside school. She wasn't out there patrolling it like usual, so…” 

She hums. A part of her wants to take the flower from Chaewon just for some unnecessary skinship but her rationality decides against it. 

“Hey, don't fall asleep and miss your stop, okay? See you tomorrow.” 

Chaewon manages to snap out of her drowsiness when Minjoo gets off. “Yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna make the same mistake twice…” 

One step. 

“Minjoo,”

And pause. “Hmm?”

Chaewon watches her brows furrow and looks her, well, straight in her eyes. Minjoo can't hold her gaze for more than five seconds, so her tone is rather pointed. 

“What is it?”

“Can you smile for me?”

“What?”

“Smile. Please?”

“What? Why..?”

“Just do it, pretty please?”

“No…”

“Why not?”

“How am I just going to smile out of the blue like that?”

“Why can't you? I can do it, see?”

“You look stupid.”

“...Say something that'll make me smile and I'll smile.”

“Well I can't think of anything right now…”

So she takes another step, exasperated. “Wait, Minjoo!” 

First she bows at the bus driver for their childish antics and then she glares at Chaewon. “Take this.”

The flower is a little smushed. Chaewon smiles at her and she can't tell what kind of smile it's supposed to be. “See ya! Bye!”

She stays standing on the road, confused, for a moment. 

Chaewon is weird. 

…

Kim Chaewon is just… weird.

  
  


—

  
  


Actually, fuck your friends.

They must’ve conspired against you and bunk classes for the past two days. Everyone kept asking you why they were absent but you didn’t know. They better have a good reason because it was burdensome to sit with Heejin and her friends during lunch since they didn’t want you to eat alone and all. 

What were they thinking? They missed two days worth of classes: how were they going to catch up? Stealing her notes against her will and panicking till the last minute before the exam, of course. It's happened before, it'll happen again. 

It's 7: 20. You watch the students pass by, Yuri waves bye at you and you wave back. _“You aren't going?”_ She mouths from the bottom of the stairs and you shake your head no. You watch her head of red hair disappear in the crowd. It's strange to stand in front of the gates and watch everyone leave, but it feels different — in a good way — to be the last one to leave school. You feel a lone raindrop on your face. Damn it. Maybe you should have your mom pick you up. 

With a careful glance behind you, you decide to take your phone out of your bag. Mr. Wang must've left already, anyway. It's not like any other teacher except him would give you an earful for bringing a phone to school. 

_Ahn Daeng_

_24 unread messages 18: 50_

Was Yujin just going through memes the entire day? You don't get why she sent you so many. It's a nice gesture, you suppose, if it was even meant to be a gesture, because all of them fit into your “refined” sense of humour. You call your mom and she doesn't pick up. You settle for a message. She'll see it soon enough. 

_kcwinstagtam just posted for the first time in a while. Be the first to like their post._

Oh?

_Wonderful day with this cutie @hndhtm01 <3 _

Oh. 

Your message to your mom isn't even delivered. She must be busy. You could call your dad and go home with him but he wouldn't leave office until nine. Slowly, you watch the raindrops change into dark circles on the concrete road. 

You don't have a choice. God, fuck it all. Why does this have to happen to you?

Why you?

You should get going, you might miss the bus. 

The rain is cold against your skin. You feel it seep into your clothes and blur your vision. 

It seems like she's really over you. 

Five months.

_Was five months the worth of her affection?_

_Were you not more deserving than five months?_

_How long will you take?_

Fuck.

You should just accept it. You don't have a chance anymore. So just accept it. You like Chaewon. Yeah, you do. Why was this culmination of events so dramatic? 

It's crowded in the bus. Fridays are the worst day of the week. You hate it. 

You thought about this already. You know what to do in this situation. You can't do anything but just deal with it. 

You want to tell yourself you never had a chance. You want the unfulfilling reassurance that you never had a chance in the first place and therefore you don't deserve to feel this way. This soul crushing realization. You wish you could tell yourself you never had a chance.

You can't. She _liked you. You._

Out of all the people she knew. 

You. 

The irony of the situation is blaring.

You hate it. 

It stops raining. Your clothes stick uncomfortably to your skin. You wipe your face with your hands but the droplets still feel like they're there. When you're about to get off, the bus driver asks about you and “your, uh… _special_ friend”. Where was she? You don't know. Back home from her date, probably. You can't get mad at her. You wish you had someone to blame. _Couldn't she wait a little longer?_

But you're the one at fault. 

It's your fault.

You can't deny your mistakes.

You can't escape the consequences of your actions.

So you suck it up. 

You have only yourself to be mad at, so suck it up. Take responsibility.

Only you can deal with your feelings, so you let them consume you. Maybe you should tell someone about the way you feel. Maybe you'd feel better. 

Maybe.

For now, your thoughts are your only company. 

For now, you indulge them: you indulge in the feelings of what it could've been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> teenage angst is real


End file.
